Forgetting to Forgive

Maybe you have heard the idea that we should “forgive and forget.” The idea that if someone hurts us we should forgive them and if we keep remembering the infraction then we really have not forgiven someone. So we must forget. Until we forget the infraction we have not forgiven.

There is so much written about how this understanding of forgiving is just flat wrong. If we forget then we are at risk of being hurt in the same way again. In fact, it makes the forgiveness even more powerful if we do not forget the infraction. This is where stories of forgiveness are the most powerful. When someone who remembers the infraction but still extends forgiveness it is a powerful witness.

This is not a post about how forgiving and forgetting in this way is harmful (it is). This post is a call to actually forgive and forget. However the greater question is what are we to forget? I would submit that we are to forgive and forget but not forget the infraction but forget something else.

What are we to forget?

An elephant never forgets…

When I was a child and watching my children now, I observe that when there is a pain or a hurt there is a reaction that happens. It is the same reaction that can be observed in adults in different environments: revenge. The revenge reaction is strong in many of us, so strong in fact that we have to be taught that punishment needs to fit the crime. If someone hits you in the face, you don’t get to cut off their arm. That punishment does not fit the crime. So we have to learn the “eye for an eye” ethic. And therein resides what we need to forget.

We need to forget our desire for revenge.

Forgiving and forgetting is the practice of forgetting our revenge ethic so that we can find how to forgive. We cannot forgive while we still remember our desire for revenge.

Perhaps in this way we can say we are forgetting to forgive. Not that we are one’s who do not remember to forgive but that we are ones who know that we need to forget something on the way to forgiveness.

Remember, do not forget the wrong thing.

Rungs of Fiery Prayer

Sometimes people will say, “I don’t know how to pray.” To which others try to encourage them by saying, “Just talk to God.” I find this advice less than helpful as I feel like a crazy. Not because I feel like I am talking to no one, but because if I can talk to God about anything, then what should I start with? Even improv comics have some raw material to work with. They could just “do anything” but it would be so scattered that it would not make sense, and it I would be hesitant to go see that comedy troupe again.

So yes, you can “just talk to God” in prayer, however if you are like me, and you need some raw material to work with, consider John Cassian’s different forms.

Cassian says the first form of prayer is confession of sin and petition for pardon. Often we when we pray we tend to say things we are thankful for. Thanksgiving is a great form of prayer, but do not overlook some of the more fundamental forms of prayer as well. Confession of sin and asking forgiveness is the practice of humility, and if we are not humble then our prayers are like a noisy gong.

Cassian suggests a form of prayer that seems overlooked in contemporary prayer - offering. This is the vow we make to God that completes the repentance we just made. It is stating in prayer what you are offering or vowing to God in response to the pardon and forgiveness given. I wonder how it might change us if we included an offering or vow to God in our prayers?

In his writings, Cassian says, “Third come pleas. We usually make them for others when we ourselves are deeply moved in spirit.” We offer them for those dear to us or when we beg for peace in the world…” These pleas are sometimes call prayers of intercession, but this form or prayer is common that Cassian does not spend a lot of time talking about it in his Conference on prayer.

“Forth are thanksgivings. Unspeakably moved by the memory of God’s past kindness…” Again this is a very common prayer form. It is so common that many times public prayers are a string of statements of thanksgiving. As Meister Eckhart said, “If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, that would suffice.” While sufficient, prayer can be enriched with Cassian’s forms.

Cassian suggests that it takes all four prayer forms to encounter “fiery prayer”. Fiery prayer is when all four prayer types are simultaneously engaged. It is the gift of the Holy Spirit that one receives the gift of fiery prayer. It is also prayer that comes more easily to those rooted in purity of heart (what I call orthocardia).

Perhaps it is fiery prayer that Abba Joseph was speaking about when Abba Lot came to him and said, Father, according as I am able, I keep my little rule, and my little fast, my prayer, meditation and contemplative silence; and, according as I am able, I strive to cleanse my heart of thoughts: now what more should I do? Abba Joseph rose up in reply and stretched out his hands to heaven, and his fingers became like ten lamps of fire. He said: Why not become fire?

Running From What You Do Not Fear

The past several years I have found spiritual companionship with the desert spirituality of the late antiquity period. I am by no means a scholar on this topic or the complexity of the people we call the “Desert Mothers and Fathers.” Much of what we have of their sayings is odd in the surface unless you spend some time with their worldview. It has taken me a while just to begin to make sense of some of these what look to be odd sayings. For instance:

Abba Nisterus the Great was walking in the desert with a brother and when they saw a serpent they ran away. The brother said, “Were you afraid, too, father?” The old man said, “I am not afraid, child, but it’s good for me to flee since then I won’t have to flee the spirit of vainglory.”

Abba Nisterus ran away from something he was not afraid of, but others were. Had he not run away from the serpent, then when Abba Nisterus caught up with the brother who did run away, he might unintentionally make the brother feel less or shameful for being afraid of a serpent. And so, Abba Nisterus runs away from the serpent so that when he faces the brother he will not have to face the prideful idea that he is better or more brave than the brother. It is easier to run from a snake than from pride (aka: vainglory).

It is common to run from what you fear. That makes a biological sense. What does not make much sense at all is running from what you do not fear. Why would anyone run from that which they are not afraid? So that we do not grow prideful. When we are full of pride (in spirit of vainglory) then we begin to think less of others. We begin to consider how brave we are as others cower and run.

For Nisterus, not running from a serpent would mean running toward pride.

And being full of pride can really hurt you.