Maybe you have heard the idea that we should “forgive and forget.” The idea that if someone hurts us we should forgive them and if we keep remembering the infraction then we really have not forgiven someone. So we must forget. Until we forget the infraction we have not forgiven.
There is so much written about how this understanding of forgiving is just flat wrong. If we forget then we are at risk of being hurt in the same way again. In fact, it makes the forgiveness even more powerful if we do not forget the infraction. This is where stories of forgiveness are the most powerful. When someone who remembers the infraction but still extends forgiveness it is a powerful witness.
This is not a post about how forgiving and forgetting in this way is harmful (it is). This post is a call to actually forgive and forget. However the greater question is what are we to forget? I would submit that we are to forgive and forget but not forget the infraction but forget something else.
What are we to forget?
An elephant never forgets…
When I was a child and watching my children now, I observe that when there is a pain or a hurt there is a reaction that happens. It is the same reaction that can be observed in adults in different environments: revenge. The revenge reaction is strong in many of us, so strong in fact that we have to be taught that punishment needs to fit the crime. If someone hits you in the face, you don’t get to cut off their arm. That punishment does not fit the crime. So we have to learn the “eye for an eye” ethic. And therein resides what we need to forget.
We need to forget our desire for revenge.
Forgiving and forgetting is the practice of forgetting our revenge ethic so that we can find how to forgive. We cannot forgive while we still remember our desire for revenge.
Perhaps in this way we can say we are forgetting to forgive. Not that we are one’s who do not remember to forgive but that we are ones who know that we need to forget something on the way to forgiveness.
Remember, do not forget the wrong thing.