Am I betraying my call?

Every now and again I feel I like the Disciples when Jesus says, "you have been with me this long and you still do not know me?" And it makes me sad, frustrated and immobile. Today is one of those times.

As I sit in my office, making decent money, driving my own car (which my family has three in our possession right now), working on my own laptop, wearing a J. Crew shirt, GAP pants and Sketchers; I reflect on my day thus far and wonder, am I betraying my call as a Christian?

The church I work at has a lot of money and people yet we seem to be an establishment of the status quo. We do not have relationships with the poor (except we send some money and used clothes every now and again), we do not work for social justice in any way, we have worship which speaks to a specific type of person and we have a huge endowment which sits there.

I do not want to bash the church, we do a lot of good, however I wonder if we are focused on maintaining the building, upholding the status quo and reinforcing our own empire rather than transforming our community, building relationships with the poor, and rivaling the Empire.

Here I sit, immobilized wondering if in fact if being a minister at this church and NOT doing these latter things if I am betraying my call?

Belief-O-Matic Results

I take this little quiz about every year or so just to see how I am shifting and changing. It is just 20 questions long and very basic, but I have found it helpful to keep me mindful that perhaps I see Christianity differently than most Christians I encounter in Texas and this could be at the heart of the tension I encounter. Here are the top 10 faith traditions which I match up with (the percentage is supposedly how closely I am to that tradition).

Taken 12/31/08
1. Liberal Quakers (100%)
2. Unitarian Universalism (91%)
3. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (90%)
4. Neo-Pagan (86%)
5. Mahayana Buddhism (81%)
6. Orthodox Quaker (77%)
7. Secular Humanism (74%)
8. New Age (72%)
9. Theravada Buddhism (72%)
10. Taoism (65%)

Taken 12/1/07
1. Mahayana Buddhism (100%)
2. Neo-Pagan (98%)
3. Liberal Quakers (93%)
4. Unitarian Universalism (91%)
5. Theravada Buddhism (86%)
6. Taoism (84%)
7. New Age (81%)
8. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (80%)
9. Orthodox Quaker (73%)
10. Hinduism (70%)

Just another white stiff in worship... me.

I am sitting in worship and we are singing a song titled "Soon, and Very Soon." (Although not like this exactly here is the song for reference).



All we sang was the chorus three or four times. I was next to Nancy Allen and as the congregation sang along I had this deep feeling to stand up and clap. I was actually jumping at the bit to get the congregation to stand, clap and sing along in order to get a new feeling/emotion/energy into the life of the community. But I just sat there. Why??? I am one of the worship leaders and am I not called to give the community permission to worship in countless ways? Why would I reserve myself?

Is it a personal image thing?
Do I not want to 'look' like an idiot?
Do I not embrace my pastoral authority?
Am I afraid I will anger those whom I feel are "in charge"?

I turned to Nancy and told her my feeling of wanting to stand and clap, she said she felt the same thing! We vowed to each other we would not allow that to happen again and if we feel like standing and clapping, damn it, we are going to stand and clap!