hearing

The Real Problem of Thanksgiving Conversation

There will be countless articles and hot takes given on how to “survive” Thanksgiving table conversation. We know the unwritten but often expressed rules of Thanksgiving conversation:

  1. No Politics

  2. No Religion

  3. No past hurts

  4. Keep it light and happy

  5. If you cannot do these things, eat another slice of pie

These rules are fine and I am sure they serve a purpose in many households. The real problem of Thanksgiving conversation is that there are many rules for talking but none for listening.

There are no rules, spoken or unspoken, about how we are to listen at Thanksgiving. No one to tell us that one of the greatest acts of love we can do for another is to listen to them. If we give thanks for anyone in our lives, then the act of listening matters.

One rule for better listening at Thanksgiving is what we might call the two hand rule. The two hand rule is simply this: When you hand someone something at Thanksgiving, use two hands.

When we hand someone using only one hand we do not have to look at that person. We can still engage in our own world and not even pay attention to the person we are handing things to. We can pass the potatoes while looking at the turkey coming down the row. The ways we hand things to people often mirrors how we listen to them.

The two hand rule results in physically turning your body to face and see the other person you are handing things to. You have to look at them. You have to see them. You have to face them. It is much harder to say things that are hurtful to someone you are looking directly in the face. If there has to be rules Thanksgiving conversation, maybe we could offer up this list:

  1. Face one another

  2. Share a meal

  3. Use two hands

  4. Keep it meaning and memorable

  5. If you cannot do these things, eat another slice of pie

It is all in what you are listening for

This story came by way of Rev. Nancy Allen who shared it at an Academy for Spiritual Formation in February 2017. If this story does not originate with her I am unsure of the source. 

There was a grandfather and grandson walking down the busy street in the city. Cars moving, trucks unloading cargo, people chatting in the cafe patios that ran along the sidewalk but the two walked hand in hand through the city streets with ease. Suddenly the grandfather stopped and said, "Do you hear that?!" 

Quickly the grandfather escorted his grandson to a flower box at the end of one of the cafe patios. Pulling back the flowers and the ivy, the grandfather exposed a nest where six baby birds where chirping. 

Amazed that his grandfather could hear such small birds over the noise of the city asked, "How did you hear those tiny birds?!" 

The old man reached into his pocket and pulled out a half dozen coins and threw them onto the ground where they pinged and rolled into the street. 

As the coins rolled into the street the young man noticed that everyone in the street cafe enjoying their coffee and conversation stopped, turned their heads and looked at the coins. 

The grandfather said, "It is all in what you are listening for."

The more we hear what we want to hear, the more deaf we become.

The more we see what we want to see, the more blind we will be.

The more we love what we want to love, the more we love ourselves.