Striving to be like the dead

A while back I asked, How do I get my own jerk?​ 

Recently there was a podcast from Freakonomics (transcript here) which talks about feedback is helpful. When seeking to increase someone's commitment, positive feedback can be helpful. But when seeking to improve once committed, negative feedback is better. 

I have been on a mission for sometime to get my own jerk, to have someone give me critical evaluations and negative feedback with mixed results. Then it dawned on me: am I seeking negative feedback in order to gain self worth? Am I looking for others to give me some sense of personal assessment?  ​

It is common for us to seek feedback for self worth reasons, but I do not want to depend upon others for my own self worth. So, if you are tired of seeking others for your own self worth, join me to live out this teaching from the desert abbas.​

A brother once came to the abbot Macarius and said to him, "Master, speak some word of exhortation to me, that, obeying it, I may be saved." St. Macarius answered him, "Go to the tombs and attack the dead with insults." The brother wondered at the word. Nevertheless he went, as he was bidden, and cast stones at the tombs, railing upon the dead. Then returning, he told what he had done. Macarius asked him, "Did the dead notice what you did?" And he replied, "They did not notice me." "Go, then, again," said Macarius, "and this time praise them." The brother, wondering yet more, went and praised the dead, calling them just men, apostles, saints. Returning, he told what he had done, saying, "I have praised the dead." Macarius asked him, "Did they reply to you?" And he said, "They did not reply to me." Then said Macarius, "You know what insults you have heaped on them and with what praises you have flattered them, and yet they never spoke to you. If you desire salvation, you must be like these dead. You must think nothing of the wrongs men do to you, nor of the praises they offer you. Be like the dead. Thus you may be saved."

How this mother's rant is like the Bible

This little story was shared with me by my loving wife. She thought it was rather funny, I did not get it - maybe it is a mom thing?

​Anyway, apparently this mother's rant has made the rounds and a lot of people are getting some kicks from it. When you put all the "expert" advice side by side in one document, there are areas that are in sync and others that are contradictory. It makes for a funny read. 

But here is the thing. This is in many ways how the Bible reads. There are stories that and teachings that contradict other stories and teachings. I don't have to account for these numerous contradictions, many atheist/agnostic Biblical literalists have compiled lists. Then there are theist Biblical literalists who then argue that there are no contradictions or if there are there are at least no contradictions when it comes to matters of salvation. 

For everyone else, we are left with a Bible that is full of contraction and unsure what o do with it. Some will laugh at the Bible, seeing how all these "experts" all contradict each other thus making the claim that the Bible is all hogwash. Some will discount the contradictions and choose for themselves which verses they want to hold on to and ignore the others. Still others will see the Bible for what it is - a community over time who were trying to articulate something that is beyond comprehension. ​

I mean, if we cannot even agree what the best way to get a baby to sleep, then we sure are not going to be able to agree what the best way to talk about God is. ​

The Bible, according to Girard, is a "text in travail." That is to say, it is a text in tension with itself - constantly tugging and pulling itself in order to try to stretch around a limitless God that cannot be covered with simple words. The Bible's tension, contradictions and complexities are what make it a "living word". 

So to those of us who are not atheist/theistic Biblical ​literalists, might we approach the Bible for what it is - a text in travail. 

Why didn't Saul eat?

In the story of Saul's conversion to Paul, ​there is a little detail that is mentioned. After he was blinded and lead by the hand to Damascus, Saul neither ate nor drank.  

This may not be a big deal. Perhaps he did not eat or drink because he did not have anything to eat or drink, being a guest in the town. Perhaps he was fasting as a way of repentance. I don't know why he did not eat or drink, but perhaps it was the result of a broken heart. ​

There was a time in my life when my heart was broken and I really could not eat or drink much at all for three months. I lost 20 lbs over the course of the fall of my junior year in college. I was a mess. You too may have experienced heart break and perhaps, this something that Saul was feeling. Heart break. ​

For years this man sought out to do Gods will only to discover on that fateful journey to Damascus that he in fact was persecuting the God he sought to serve. He was convinced that he was doing what the Lord required of him, when in a vision he was told that he was doing everything but.

In a sense, Saul was heart broken. His world was turned upside down and all that he knew in the world was called into question. He was in total despair, hopeless, and heart broken. Frankly, eating and drinking were the last things on his mind.  ​

There are a few times in my life where my world was turned upside down and all that I knew was called into question. Most of them theological, but all had practical implications. Maybe Saul is fasting. Maybe Saul did not have any food. Or perhaps maybe Saul desired death because he was ashamed of what he had done and felt his heart was too broken to go on.